I had a CT scan today.
I have been scanned every three months for over two years.
This is part of my journey.
The scan will determine my quality of life for the next three months.
It will determine what I can achieve for myself, my community and my family.
In this way I am powerless.
If I am stable I can continue on with this bittersweet journey of rediscovering myself.
If I have progressed I will return to chemotherapy.
I will loose a piece of myself as I attempt to extend my life.
I will loose my spark.
I will loose my drive and my passion.
Much of my creativity will be absorbed by just trying to survive.
This period of stability is fleeting.
It’s the when that is undefined.
My future is planned in three month segments.
Today I stand at the end of one of those segments.
I am scared.
I am unsure.
Metastatic breast cancer has stolen my confidence.
My trust in my body and my future.
I can only hold onto what I have now.
Hope for stability.
Hope for more time.
Living in the moment is exhausting.
Living without confidence is daunting.
I have so much to accomplish.
So many moments to experience.
thank you for writing this…it articulates the situation so well. (another 3-month-at-a-time gal) sending warm thoughts your way.
ps thought i’d share this.. http://beetpoet.wordpress.com/2014/05/19/healing-even-when-there-is-no-cure/
This couldn’t be truer for me, my ability to plan and dream is what I most grieve for on this journey. Making big long-term plans can either become a disappointment for my children, or a job for my husband. So I restrain my hopes, plans and dreams. But in doing so I restrain myself, my spirit, my drive, my ambition. The very parts I want to inspire in my children and nourish in myself. Striking the balance is the biggest challenge in living with, not dying from, this disease.
Yes I agree Emily. Figuring out how to live with uncertainty is one of the hardest parts. For me living with an uncertain future and trying to make the best of the time I have is exhausting. Sometime all I want is just to live and to dream and to plan.
Dear sweet Anna, as a mother with a daughter having MBC, I must express my sorrow that you are living with this always hanging over your head. That said, you write beautifully, i have shared this with many friends. Take good care of you and your young family.