I had a CT scan today.
I have been scanned every three months for over two years.
This is part of my journey.
The scan will determine my quality of life for the next three months.
It will determine what I can achieve for myself, my community and my family.
In this way I am powerless.
If I am stable I can continue on with this bittersweet journey of rediscovering myself.
If I have progressed I will return to chemotherapy.
I will loose a piece of myself as I attempt to extend my life.
I will loose my spark.
I will loose my drive and my passion.
Much of my creativity will be absorbed by just trying to survive.
This period of stability is fleeting.
It’s the when that is undefined.
My future is planned in three month segments.
Today I stand at the end of one of those segments.
I am scared.
I am unsure.
Metastatic breast cancer has stolen my confidence.
My trust in my body and my future.
I can only hold onto what I have now.
Hope for stability.
Hope for more time.
Living in the moment is exhausting.
Living without confidence is daunting.
I have so much to accomplish.
So many moments to experience.