Maybe if I had new hair cut?
I can’t breath
Something from the pages of a magazine
I can’t sit still
An unexpected transformation
I can’t even feign a smile

Maybe if I had new shoes?
I think I’m really scared
The ones I saw in a window yesterday
I think I’m scared of losing my freedom
Shoes I could never afford
I think I’m scared of the instability

Maybe if I played music really loud?
I need to sit down and hold on to something
With lyrics that you can disappear into
I need this process to get easier
A rhythm that requires dancing
I need to learn to live with the unknown

Maybe if I wore a mask?
I want to be free from my dread of bad news
One that my children play dress up with
I want to be strong without hiding
A mask that will bring back my childhood
I want to be vulnerable with my darkness

Maybe if I just started to drive?
I long to escape constant three month cycles
A road trip without a destination
I long to have control again
Like in the movies I’ll drive off into the sunset
I long for life to be predictable

Maybe if I watched a movie?
I have to constantly manage my expectations
Movies with invincible heroes
I have to hold back my need to dream big
A movie where the impossible happens
I have to know how much time I have left

Maybe if I started an argument?
I live franticly grasping on to my independence
A conflict about nothing and everything
I live unsure and in-between
A place to scapegoat blame
I live trying to being present and in the moment

Maybe if I had three more months without treatment?
I binge to avoid my fears
A life existing in a delicate normality
I binge in escape
A time to focus on living
I binge to be free

5 replies »

  1. You are brave, eloquent, a fighter, a living, breathing example of humanity at its rawest, and best. Through CBC I met you. So now I count you as an airwaves friend. Keep sharing your wisdom.

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