Months not Years

months not years

Art by Ken Craig

I’m sitting quietly on the couch listening to my children play connect four. Everything seems so simple.  It’s Christmas and I’m soaking it in. This most likely will be my last Christmas. I’ve ran out treatment options. I’m trying to absorb the bitter sweet in the moment. My goal is to be as present as possible.

Being present is hard. I feel healthy. Steroids have stopped all the vomiting that has plagued me over the last 2 months. I had gotten my strength back after the last bought of whole brain radiation. I had started to become and active member of my family. I was planning my future.

Months not years they said.

Your not supposed to feel this way. Feeling healthy when your dying. This is not how it happens in the movies. Its not supposed feel like this, but then how are you supposed to feel?

Months as a measurement is so condensed. Months go by so fast when you have children. Children that you want to experience every milestone with. Every scrape and bump. Every accomplishment and failure.

So for now here I am. Sitting quietly on the couch. Trying to breath in the moment. Watching Christmas through the eyes of my children. Letting go of my future and just trying to accept months not years.

19 replies »

  1. Thank you for your writings, I am reading them with care and I can feel a lot of yourself in these noted. I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you each day and I am praying for you that is all I can do …. and I enjoy reading you al lot. It is very much appreciated. Sincerely Lisa from Ottawa. Big hug Anna.

  2. I hope that time finds a way to slow down so you can savor every special moment with your beautiful family.

    Sending you peace all the way from Florida.

  3. I admire your strength of purpose in writing. I appreciate you sharing this with us. Like others, I pray that time slows down for you, and that you can continue to savour. xo

  4. ❤ I am so sorry that you are going through this Anna. I wish I had a wand that would make the cancer just got away. I am in your corner, *hugs.*

  5. Anna, I wish there were words that I could say to make things better. I truly hope that you and your family enjoyed Christmas and that you can enjoy each and every day that you have together. ❤

  6. Hi Anna,
    I just saw your blog post as it was posted on fb by Laura. Sad to hear the treatment options have come to an end. I really appreciate the conflict of already missing/grieving a future while mastering savouring the present moments. Keep savouring the moments and I hope time gives you more than what any doctor says. Hugs.

  7. Admire your “living in the moment”, but NEVER give up on the future. Remember, Through God all things are possible”. He is so much bigger than this evil called cancer. Jesus, in You I place my trust. Hang in.

  8. Thank you. My 5 years old daughter is fighting with leukemia.I hate cancer I hate illness I hate hospitals I Hate death. Your writings give me strength to fight with her. I do not know what to tell you I cannot find the right words, if there are any….

  9. My dad has stage IV prostate cancer. It was found after it had already spread to his spine, hip, shoulder, and jaw. He is still feeling pretty healthy but is at the end of his options. Anyway I was looking up as much as I could about cancer and that is how I came across your blog. Ive read the entire thing and I just wanted to say how very sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. Cancer is so horrible and evil and I don’t even have the right words for it. As a mother my heart aches for you. I wish you and your family the best a pray that you do have years rather than months.

  10. Your blog is and will always be terribly precious. I don’t know if the word ”terrible” has the same meaning in English as in French. For me it means it has power, it is invaluable, it is rare, it is needed and it is a immense gift to all of us. And blog is a shortcut meaning your honest testimony, your courage, your generosity in sharing, your indignation and your uniqueness. Merci !

  11. Anna, I’m glad I found your blog again, although my heart breaks. I first saw you on the healing and cancer podcast (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMivVW6-JBw) and read your blog afterwards. I’ve always been struck by how strong you are and how clear minded you are. You remind me of a time in my family. My husband died of a brain tumor in 2007. The few months at the end of his life are very precious to me. Those memories are very strong. I cherish them and hold onto them dearly. And I still bring them up with the kids. I recall wonderful things about him and silly things about him with the kids. I have always spoken of him freely. I’m sure that they hold onto those memories as well. I send you many blessings and lots of love.

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