I’m sitting quietly on the couch listening to my children play connect four. Everything seems so simple. It’s Christmas and I’m soaking it in. This most likely will be my last Christmas. I’ve ran out treatment options. I’m trying to absorb the bitter sweet in the moment. My goal is to be as present as possible.
Being present is hard. I feel healthy. Steroids have stopped all the vomiting that has plagued me over the last 2 months. I had gotten my strength back after the last bought of whole brain radiation. I had started to become and active member of my family. I was planning my future.
Months not years they said.
Your not supposed to feel this way. Feeling healthy when your dying. This is not how it happens in the movies. Its not supposed feel like this, but then how are you supposed to feel?
Months as a measurement is so condensed. Months go by so fast when you have children. Children that you want to experience every milestone with. Every scrape and bump. Every accomplishment and failure.
So for now here I am. Sitting quietly on the couch. Trying to breath in the moment. Watching Christmas through the eyes of my children. Letting go of my future and just trying to accept months not years.